a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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