dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
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