I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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