I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
