when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
