if i can run in heels then i can drive
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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