we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
