I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
