I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
