Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Randomize
