I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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