I just saw a hot homeless man
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
