I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
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