My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Randomize
