You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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