Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
