but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
