ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
