It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Your penis caused this!
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
