i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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