So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
