Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
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Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
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WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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