I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
