I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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