im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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