Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Houston, we have a squirter
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
