Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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