cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Randomize
