Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
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