You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
