So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
