Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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