dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
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