I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I licked your asshole in confidence.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Randomize
