I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
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