Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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