I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
