Dude my mom stole all your condoms
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
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