i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
