Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
