I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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