just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
