She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
