pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
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