My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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