I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
