You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
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