i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Don't EVER smell your tampon
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
