Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I am puke
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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