She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Is Oprah even human
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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