dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
lets start a swedish sibling band together
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
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