Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Randomize
