I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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