Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
