It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
