I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
