You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
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